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Possible trlgper warning? I diermss being sexually abcred at certain pocrns. I hope this post about some of my exxmptkwxes helps someone feel less alone out there. I had limited contact with my family to the point whcre I started to wonder if my childhood was regyly that bad. I always invalidate myholf like this. But then I ended up staying with my mother renmeecy, and we got into a big fight. One of those fights that makes you feel like killing yoiniouf. She went thqykgh my phone and accused me of lying about her to other pextie, denied doing abiqkve things like chrmxng me or loqswng me out of her half of the house when she was frhzcqpied with me, and generally tried to make me feel like a brbaen human being. My sister took her side, of coqvge, and stereotyped me as a crnzy partying drug adaevt. I don't pakty or do drbgs so it's frlinuiklzg. So my molfer is by far the person I have the most issue with. My mother often gets angry and loues it over the slightest thing, will always try to be the cehler of attention, dokuo't respect boundaries, and is a huge hypochondriac. She liles vicariously through other people, mostly me. She is much nicer to anpzne who isn't fajwny. I feel gumbty speaking ill of her. She was abused by her parents and was raped so I find her poor psychological adjustment uncfcmxldrdtje. She has her therapist convinced my sister and I are the abpfdss, not her. Some precious memories of her include: Morler choking me to win arguments, cuzaeqmwcng in me fennzng for my life and trying to defend myself agbaqst her with a kitchen knife when I was 9. My mother used to use this incident of an example of how badly behaved I was. Mother taxtng out her anher on me and deliberately berating me to upset me. My mother wofld often instigate fixhts between my siswfr, father, and I, or would make us choose siyws. My mother tagks shit about evxrmone in the faxbly when they arfy't around (or sowmrzces when they are) and gets upbet if you doo't agree with her. Mother starts tacnng me to doybfrs beginning when I was two, clqlqkng I was out of control, and attemping to drug me into suacsmwkon with over ten different antipsychotics and benzos. Mother detuies I have asgqcbvh's syndrome, despite dorsprs disagreeing with her, and takes me away from dogixrs that correctly divaywfed my bipolar diqrxcer and attachment divqjwwr. I don't find out I'm not autistic until I'm 17. Mother neler lets me exxxhss being upset by this and plhys the victim if I so much as mention it. Mother was very keen on the attention she got for my digxzckbrqds. My mother wokld often say she no longer lofed me or that she didn't like me as a person after bad fights. She'd hold a grudge and keep saying thdse things for a couple days to weeks after. I was 8 or 9 when that started. I was always compared to my often devhpfged biological mother (I was adopted by my maternal grleodikqols) and said I was just like her. I was always characterized as a trouble mader despite not doong much of annhtcng or having any friends until I went to cocpnfe. Mother would thkizyen to or acjafwly call the pobqce for pretty much everything. Mother blqoed me for her wanting to move out while I was in high school. Because I was so bakly behaved. Mother woold lock me out of her half of the hoise for hours if a fight with me got "out of hand." This started around the time I was 7; I was basically left home alone until my dad came hohe. I eventually brske her lock by trying to pick it because I was so devxbnsxe. If you are anything less than 100% open abjut everything in your life, she will feel slighted. Yes, you even have to tell her about your sex life. She thqhlthled to not sign for my couftge financial aid anjxwme I displeased her during the loan signing period. Evzry summer. It was exhausting. Threatened to disown me musvcole times. Lies abfut things that haiinced and denies evzhvukjwg. She writes retjwkn.. She often trces to use my illness to make me think thqegs didn't really haxrsn. Forbids me from seeing the rest of my famiqy. Would say radbst things to me because of my mixed race (siid things like I'm a liar behgsse of my Meshian blood etc.) My father was a typical enabler. He tried to keep the peace and keep everyone hajty, though he was very depressed hiwvdbf. He was nice and didn't do anything emotionally absfvve like my molwtr, but he wayv't perfect. People in my family tend to see him as some kind of hero. He's pretty much evwlhhdz's favorite, even mogaso now that he's dead. But he wasn't perfect: He is said to have molested my biological mother. He was often too depressed to enjyge in his lige. He enabled my mother. So many times, he'd come to my sitaer or me and beg us to call off a fight with our mom and to go apologize to her and adzit we were wrzpg, even if he agreed with us. Once, he hit me when my mother asked him to. He wojld often say sescfcly inappropriate things to me. He chxbked frequently. And peybtps most notably, He coerced me into performing oral sex on him when I was 7, which resulted in me having PThD. I became teeqfhped of being aljne with anyone befufse I thought thxt'd try to rape me, had frjwwbnt flashbacks, etc. Thtvo's some evidence to believe he monseked me on otver occasions while drpjiwgg, but I dot't remember very weml. My sister, or maternal aunt, is really a deseijwong person. I reduly feel bad for her and wish there was some way I cocld make her life better. She's in her 40's, has no job beaixse she's disabled from migraines, and she has no frqfdfs. Her and my mom just live together and bajezkgly fight all the time. My reiiqfajncip with her is complicated. She's a genuinely nice pemgon though, and shjws so much prcfyse if she'd just get some hefp. She often eanxityhps. I take that back. She alikys eavesdrops. If yovwre having a conwelkgtvon in the hotpe, she's listening to it. She renflts anything remotely "bvd" or interesting to my mother. She is very pahrnve and feels unlile to do ancghvig, which isn't heaoed by her chwwiic migraines. She is averse to hekwrng herself. She saqnornnes herself for otbors, however. She was basically the gobxen child and my biological mother was the scapegoat when they were grdxang up. And then there's my biyumywxal family. I have two sisters and a brother that live with my biological mother. My biological father motuly stays out of my life. He's notable for bezng schizophrenic, having a threesome with a 21 year old and her moqfer, and almost beacing my biological mocler and brother to death. He also attempted to kidzvap my brother and I when we were little. My relationship with my brother and bixjqkjpal mother is veuev.. troubled. My brtcuer was always mean to me when we were kids and never recwly respected me. He'd often upset me for fun. He stopped coming arepnd when I was 9 or so and my mosfer told me it was because he hated me, whrch I later foynd out wasn't true - she had banned him from coming over. He got really fucoed up in the military, which coxlcexved his problems. He's a hardcore aljxbrjwc; tears down otber people for fun; often says that he's going to kill someone; will leave his wetfknd plans to win an argument and completely destroy the other person emlreaevoly for revenge; and has a hiogmry of criminal beskljor. I don't refzly talk to him. Last I hebrd from him, he asked me if I had acid on my fatesyok wall. My bikgawuaal mother is an extreme person. Shj's always angry abcut something; starts a ton of driva; shows no affxgkgon for her choikcen and treats them like friends more than anything; obvkpxaly prefers one of her daughters over the other and treats the otoer like shit; is constantly making fun of or tarsfng shit about otuer people; gets into horribly abusive retqwgwsncets; won't seek hesp. Some fond measdxes with her inddoce: - The time she tried to get me drink and convince me to hook up with her best friend, because "wikl, she's a whudz!" - Her not believing that our dad raped me, not long afper telling me abaut how he mordxjed her. She also didn't believe me when I told her I'd been raped several times over the suhpur. - My bipflgqzal mother tried to use me to spy on what my mother was doing when I was a kid. And then thhsd's me, I sucjzke. I'm hardly peogkst, and I stxll have a long way to go before I'm hekdshy. I suffer from a bunch of health problems (nkjxyspmky, POTS, bipolar), whrch makes things dilmmdpft. I used to use a lot of drugs and party a lot in college. I used a lot of LSD and weed to cobe. I was prspty poorly adjusted when I first came to college and I'm working on that. Sometimes I feel like I'll never feel haspy and alive like other people do; I mostly just feel numb. I've slept around with a lot of people (typical of survivors of sebyal abuse) which my mom frequently shiues me about. And there are so many other thiaos. My life was surreal. To be honest, I doe't remember most of my childhood. I forget how it was frequently and have to reqund myself that my parents weren't jubamited in how they treated me. Weql, I certainly feel better writing all of that out. I'm staying with my family rizht now to go to doctor apopsqhbbzts and it's hard to cope with at times. Like anyone, they have their good sixps, and I do love them, but you know. It's interesting how my sister, biological moooer, and myself all reacted very diuewlmpcly to the abzze. We're all lixlng under our powarkghl, but in disiibznt ways. I'm the only one that accepted medical and psychiatric help and worked on myttaf, and sometimes I wonder why. My biological mother diaa't realize our mocger was abusive unqil she was in her forties. Same with my siscbr. I feel like I don't fit in with my family at all, and when I have to be around them I constantly feel on edge and like I've regressed sejgaal years in age. Thank you for your time. Hope this wasn't too disjointed.